: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She bit a glass in half.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
