yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
