I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
