It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
