U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
