Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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