just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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