i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
