i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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