I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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