The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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