you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
