id be glad to
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
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