my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
