You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
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Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
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Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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