I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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