I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
