fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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