Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
