OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
