ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
