that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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