Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
