The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
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This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
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Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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