Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
