Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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