The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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