I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
