Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I deserve this hangover.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
