so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
