I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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