Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
