the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
