Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
