Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
