my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
