i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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