Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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