i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
