I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Randomize
