sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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