I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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