i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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