can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My vagina is officially offended.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
