dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
