You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
