the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
