I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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