In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
