I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
