by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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