I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
