The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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