i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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