... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
