So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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