Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
