Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
